


Memorial

by RavenShira



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hatake Kakashi-centric, KakashiWeek2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 08:13:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15904371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenShira/pseuds/RavenShira
Summary: Missions had a tendency to go south. Kakashi was well aware of that fact, prepared for it each and every single time he went out of the village. He was prepared for the fact that he might have to bring back one, or several, body bags or perhaps not be able to return at all. That was the life of a shinobi.It didn't make it hurt less though. There was no defense against loss. And you will never be prepared enough to face the loss of a precious person.





	Memorial

It was fitting, Kakashi numbly thought, that it was raining. Despite the rain, he could almost taste the blood. The iron tang was bitter on his tongue, and even his nose picked it up easily enough through the thin fabric of his mask.

 

Blood was all around him, all over him, cold and slimy but he took no note of it. His arms were trembling, his body shaking.

 

Was it the cold? Kakashi couldn't feel it, couldn't differentiate it in his current state.

 

It was silent. The only sound was the pitter-patter of the rain and his harsh pants, muffled as they were by his ever present mask. The rain was soaking him to the bone, hair plastered to his face, his sharingan burning in its socket as it observed the scene in front of him, memorizing it for eternity.

 

Enemies were strewn around like broken puppets. Kakashi had never been one to kill needlessly. He did his job, eliminated the threat, and retaliated if provoked. But never more than necessary to get the job done.

 

The countless bodies around him told a different story. Charred beyond recognition, hearts missing, throats slit, eyes wide open and bloodshot from being drowned, crushed by boulders. Kakashi was known for copying endless amounts of jutsu but he usually didn't bother using them all. Too much of a hassle, but this time...

 

This time he had used every single piece of information that was crammed into his head and had let the jutsus come to his hand as easy as breathing. He had used every single drop of his chakra that he could spare and once there was almost nothing left, he had grabbed his weapons and continued on. He hadn't stopped until he had tracked down every single last one of them. He hadn't allowed them to run. In a haze he had become a tool, a weapon of mass destruction and in that single moment all he had wanted was for the hollow feeling in his chest to disappear and what little satisfaction he got from killing his enemies, it was better than the void that was spreading. A black hole of despair he hadn't felt this keenly since... since...

 

Kakashi took a wobbling step closer to the centre of destruction, heart aching as if it was being carved out.

 

Another step.

 

Another.

 

Stop.

 

For all that it was only three little steps, it had felt like an eternity. As if his strings had been snapped, Kakashi fell to his knees, mud splattering as he hit the ground hard.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

Kakashi eyed the scroll in his hand with interest. A courier mission with four jounin? As if. Anyone would be able to see that there was another purpose. Genma, Raido, and Gai under his command made for a powerful combination. With Raido and Genma, Kakashi was almost sure that there was some kind of assassination involved, but Gai had him stumped. Gai was great, no mistake about that. Incredibly strong, too. After all, he could keep up with Kakashi in most of their spars and if it was a simple Taijutsu spar, even Kakashi was hard pressed to beat him.

 

But assassin-material he was not. He eyed the Hokage in slight confusion, wondering what exactly the plan was for him to be called here alone. As a team leader, it wasn't unusual for him to get a quick solo briefing, only for him to have the task of informing his teammates of the details later on. He pocketed the scroll they needed to deliver and took the mission briefing scroll in hand. With practiced ease, he opened it and memorized its contents, a skill he had learned before he had even become a genin, then closed it again. He took a moment to mull over the information, especially about the location and layout that had been included. You never knew when you would need to know all the details of a mission, and Kakashi had an eidetic memory even before the sharingan.

 

“So we are to assassinate the local lord terrorizing the population?” Kakashi asked once he had read through the written instructions. “And when we get there, Gai is to split off from the group and deliver a scroll to the border patrol while Genma, Raido and I deal with the lord?”

 

Tsunade nodded, fingers laced in front of her as she watched Kakashi over her knuckles.

 

“If possible, Gai could cause a disturbance in town to distract the security detail, making it easier for you to slip in. It's quite possible the lord has hired protection, though it shouldn't be anything you won't be able to deal with, I'm sure.”

 

Kakashi put the mission scroll back on the table.

 

“Mah,” he agreed softly with a hint of a smile. “In that case, excuse me. I have a team to gather.”

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

Finding Gai was the easiest out of all of them. One only had to look for a huge disturbance, follow the sound of yelling or spy a dust cloud moving at a fast pace at the horizon and one would know where to find Gai. Either that, or he could find them at the dango shop that Gai and their comrades frequented in their spare time. Somehow it had become the local gathering spot for that particular group, and while Kakashi had always kept himself at the fringes of their circle, never quite daring to make friends before he had left ANBU, he had still taken note of their constant presence. It was on his way home, after all, and Gai was hard to miss.

 

Nowadays he would call them... acquaintances, if not friends.

 

“Yo~” Kakashi greeted as Gai skidded to a stop next to him, making a small hand sign to beckon Gai over.

 

“Mission. Meet with the others in an hour at the gate. I will debrief on the way.”

 

“YOSH!” Gai seemed ecstatic. “To be sent on a mission with my eternal rival!” Even Kakashi couldn't help but feel a little thrilled at going on a mission with Gai. It didn't happen often; their skill set was vastly different and with them becoming jounin-sensei, there hadn't been a lot of time for extra missions. They made a powerful pair in a fight, Kakashi keeping his distance to analyse the enemy, dissect their skills and come up with plans while Gai engaged them in close range fighting, keeping them busy and away, creating openings that Kakashi knew how to exploit.

 

They had sparred so often that it was easy to anticipate each other’s moves, just like how Raido and Genma worked incredibly well as a team.

 

Still, Kakashi's time as ANBU and his abundant knowledge of jutsus made him more useful for infiltration, assassination and cleanup while Gai's morality prevented him from going down the same path. Gai was a frontal assault fighter, honourable – which Kakashi had always found contradictory if someone chose to walk the path of shinobi – and inspiring. He was sent on a lot of courier missions, escort missions as a bodyguard detail and – due to his friendly exposition – even negotiations, though mostly not taking part in the negotiations themselves, as many found Gai's personality quirks hard to adapt to. Even Kakashi had taken a while to get used to them, but then again he was a special case in and of itself. If Gai hadn't stubbornly insisted to build a bond with Kakashi, the lichen-haired shinobi doubted he would have survived his years in ANBU and the struggle to reintegrate into normal society afterwards. As such, he was indebted and... quite fond of his self-proclaimed rival.

 

“If you see Genma or Raido, send them too, alright?” he called after the quickly retreating green-spec and could see Gai raise his hand in a thumbs-up gesture as the other shinobi raced off. A quiet chuckle escaped him as he slowly made his way towards the dango shop to hopefully collect his remaining teammates. He had to tell them to get their masks too, after all.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

An hour later – for once Kakashi was punctual, as this was a mission that relied on the information presented to him still being valid when they arrived at their destination and guard rotations tended to change after a while – his team checked out of the village. While they raced through the trees, Kakashi was quickly filling his team in on what was about to happen. Anticipating Gai's protests, Kakashi contemplated leaving that part out until later, but once they split up Gai would suspect anyways so it was a moot point.

 

“We will arrive in three days.” Kakashi anticipated, barring any surprises along the way. “Gai, you will head on towards the border and give the scroll to the person in charge. It’s a guy called Hagemono, bulky stature, mid-thirties..” Gai nodded, catching said scroll mid-throw and stowing it away on his person.

 

It would take three days to cross the distance towards the small town on the border of Grass. It was an area Kakashi disliked getting close to. Memories niggled at the back of his mind even now. The Kannabi bridge was not far off from where they were headed, and some of Kakashi's worst memories lingered there like a dark miasma hovering over the ground.

 

He turned away from the dark thoughts and focused on Genma and Raido instead.

 

“Meanwhile, we will head to Tonaki, a small village to the east of the Grass border. It's still in the Land of Fire and we have been getting reports about a local lord trying to rise in power above his station. He's creating unrest and is abusing his power to further his own gain,” Kakashi explained as he jumped from tree to tree. “After multiple attempts at negotiation have failed, we are being sent for a more permanent solution.” His eyes flickered to Gai whose mouth was pressed into an unhappy line.

 

“We will observe if the security detail has stayed the same for about a day. Gai, if you return quickly, you can cause a disturbance in the village and hopefully draw some attention away from us.”

 

Once they got there he would have to brief his two teammates in more detail, provided the information stayed true. Once they were sure about that, they could go ahead with the assassination. While Kakashi hoped to avoid most of the security detail and simply slip past them to their target, it was always possible that something could happen and the alarm would be raised. With Genma and Raido, it was much more likely to go smoothly, though. This was not the first time they’ve been on a mission together and they knew how to work around each other. Raido would draw the security away, Genma would knock them out and Kakashi would slip past. In his pockets he had a sealed off handkerchief that was supposed to belong to the target. A servant that also served as a temporary spy had acquired it for them and with Kakashi's dogs it would be easy to locate the lord.

 

All in all, the plan was sound, but Kakashi knew how quickly even the best thought-out plan could quickly turn south if just a minor detail was overlooked or changed.

 

“I can't believe they would send three of us out...” Genma chuckled. “Are you getting old in your days, Kakashi?” he teased, causing Kakashi to glare at him. The old man jokes had gotten old by the time he became Chunin, but Genma never failed to deliver.

 

“Mah.” Kakashi sighed. “Maybe they sent me to make sure you didn't fuck your mission up again? What was it? Slipped on a rooftop?”

 

“He fell over a wall and nearly broke his leg,” Raido threw in, catching the senbon thrown his way with such ease that he almost looked bored.

 

“I didn't fall!” Genma protested, cheeks flushing a little. “I avoided detection!”

 

“And twisted your ankle,” Raido mercilessly continued, smirking at his spluttering friend.

 

“And  _ you _ choked on the soldier pill, almost giving away our hiding spot!” Genma accused, red-faced.

 

“That was only because you offered me a blow-job if we got this over with as quickly as possible, ” Raido replied in a desert dry tone.

 

“You are not supposed to repeat that!!” Gemna whisper-screeched, lunging for Raido who simply dodged by jumping on a branch to the side with a mocking chuckle.

 

Kakashi rolled his eyes. He knew this could go on for hours on end. He appreciated Genma's and Raido's skills during missions. It was just the time to and from missions that Kakashi wished he could bleach from his brain.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

They took a break during lunch, in which they made a small fire and foraged the woods for something to eat.

 

“Yosh!” Gai exclaimed, pumping his fists towards the sky with way too much energy for Kakashi's taste. The lichen-haired jounin winced, knowing what would come next.

 

“Let's make this a challenge!” Gai yelled, turning excitedly towards Kakashi. “Whoever brings the most food will be the winner—”

 

“Mah, mah, Gai. I think the locals would like to have some wildlife left after we pass through,” Kakashi hastily replied, hoping to nip the idea of challenge in the bud.

 

A moment later he felt bad about it as Gai deflated like a wilted flower. Heaving a sigh, Kakashi prepared to make the sacrifice in the name of friendship.

 

“I guess...” He reluctantly looked around, searching for inspiration. “... We could see who gathers more wood in the span of 10 minutes.” He just hoped Gai would refrain from felling any trees in his excitement. At least there were lots of trees around, so it was a minor sacrifice. If necessary, he would bully Tenzo into regrowing the plant life. It was more likely to regrow than eradicate any form of life in a radius of a mile around them, at least.

 

He would apologize to Mr. Ukki when he got home.

 

At least the wood could be safely left behind once they headed out again.

 

It didn't take them long. A bird and two rabbits fell to their kunai and in practiced motions, Kakashi prepared a meal with his comrades. It wasn't the best but it sure beat the soldier pills and once they got close to their assignment, they wouldn't be able to make a fire without drawing attention.

 

Gai won the challenge. Kakashi's three sticks he had picked up at a lazy pace couldn't hold up against the uncountable amount of wood (most of it still fresh, broken off trees here and there) that Gai had managed to collect. Genma and Raido were not exactly happy to have to sort through them for the dry branches.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

They split up on the third day after setting up a meeting spot for them to reconvene. Gai raced off with his usual energy to finish up the courier mission while Genma, Raido and Kakashi donned their ANBU masks. While Kakashi wasn't technically employed as an ANBU, he still got the occasional mission to carry out. ANBU was a life-long service, after all. Still, it was rare, and Kakashi was glad for it. He had spend most of his lifetime in ANBU, and it’d taken its toll on his mind.

 

He hadn't known what to do with himself when the Sandaime finally pulled him out of active duty. Being a jounin instructor seemed... mundane, and seeing genin teams without teamwork had made him frustrated, angry and brought up thoughts from the past he would rather leave alone.

 

Until Team 7.

 

It still couldn't be helped that every now and then he was pulled back for the occasional mission, but it was far more bearable now that he had more to look forward to. Training his Ninken, visiting his students, challenges with Gai, good food and companionship from his fellow shinobi that he had finally allowed to reach him. It was... good. And something in Kakashi had settled, something he had thought broken beyond repair, something that splintered and cut him further every time he tried to pierce it back together on his own.

 

It had taken more than one pair of hands, though.

 

Now here he was, Genma and Raido on either side of him. He had filled them in on what information he had been briefed on, concerning the guard rotation and how many guards they could expect. It was a tightly woven security, but nothing a ninja of their calibre couldn't get past. They were having their first look at the mansion that the lord was safely shut away in. The ANBU mask was a stifling weight on his face, familiar after years of wearing it, and he still needed to get used to it each and every single time he donned it after putting it away in a special safe in his home. It was hell on peripheral vision, and one needed to get used to breathing with it as there were filters in the mask to safeguard them from smoke or aerosol poison. With quick, silent hand signs, he motioned for Raido to take the left and Genma to take the right. For a day, they would keep silent surveillance on the place and see if there were any changes before they gathered again to compare their observations.

 

Kakashi was crouched motionlessly in a tree, repressing his chakra signature out of habit as he watched people enter and leave the building, guards slowly making their way along the heavy iron fence. For civilians, it was a very, very well thought out security.

 

But not enough to stop ninja. 

 

Kakashi wondered why they were deployed, but the mission appeared to be urgent. He suspected that the lord had gathered enough support and had plans he would set into motion soon. A couple of jounin could have finished the job just as easily, but not quite as efficiently as an ANBU squad.

 

After a day they reconvened, shared their knowledge and decided to go on ahead with the infiltration. It was turning dark fast, and Kakashi had summoned his ninken who had reported back a disturbance in town, so Gai was likely already back from the border.

 

“Raido, you keep an eye out for anything unusual. Signal us if anything changes. Genma, I want you with me. Use your paralytic senbon in case we stumble across anyone.” His eyes dropped down. “Pakkun, you are to lead us to our target,” he said, crouching down and unsealing the prepared handkerchief. Pakkun sniffed it and nodded.

 

“I can find him, Kakashi,” the small pug said, little tail wagging. They had a general idea as to where the lord was supposed to be since his bedroom was located in the centre of the building, but it would be reassuring to have Pakkun as an extra set of ears.

 

They waited until the guard passed them before using a simple shunshin to quickly cross the garden around the house. In the shadows, Raido split off from them to climb onto the roof while Kakashi and Genma entered the building through a window.

 

The mansion was a maze, but their inside informant had given Kakashi a layout of the place. Carefully, he and his comrade crept along the dark corridors, listening for footsteps and avoiding the guards that were on patrol.

 

Pakkun and Kakashi led the way. The pug was occasionally sniffing the air, but shook out its fur every now and then. Kakashi led them further into the centre.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

Kakashi pulled to an abrupt stop, placing a hand on Genma's chest to stop him from advancing further. His sharingan was revealed underneath the mask, taking in the sight in front of him with a sinking feeling in his gut. Slowly, he crouched down and stared at the thin wire stretching from one wall to the other. It was barely visible, its shadow hidden by the gap between the stone tiles. He followed it, staying cautious of any other traps that might be around it and stopped at the wall to the right. There was a slightly darker patch on it, barely visible and unnoticeable without the sharingan to help him along. Kakashi carefully picked at its edge and slowly peeled back the concealing layer, revealing the exploding tag underneath.

 

Suddenly he was glad it was them that had been sent on the job and not a random squad of jounin. This would likely get messy.

 

Normal civilian guards didn't use exploding tags and wire traps.

 

But ninja did.

 

Pressing his lips into a firm line, he signalled to Genma, who was tense as he looked over the professionally hidden trap they had nearly stumbled on. Seemed like their mission just got a lot more complicated.

 

They proceeded with more caution than before, taking their time to make doubly sure that nobody jumped them from the dark. They didn't know how many ninja there were, or who they belonged to. The trap indicated they were likely here for protection and not like Kakashi's own team for assassination. Meaning it was either an enemy nation that had an interest in making the lord’s plans succeed, or missing nin the man had hired as additional protection. Both were worrisome, but maybe they could avoid conflict if they finished the mission quickly and managed a clean getaway.

 

They managed to get to the lord's quarters quickly enough. Pakkun confirmed that a heartbeat was present and it smelled like the room belonged to the lord. They opened the door quietly, slipping in like shadows. Killing him was easy. A hand over his mouth and a needle with a deadly, fast acting poison and the deed was done.

 

Only then did the alarm sound. Something must have tipped them off and Kakashi couldn't really see what it had been but it was too late now. Lights were flooding the corridors and Kakashi and Genma shared a startled glance as they heard multiple people run their way. They were quiet but not soundless, still more than a normal guard would be able to accomplish.

 

Ninjas. A lot of them, by the sound of it, and closing in fast.

 

Knowing that they had been found out, Kakashi let out a chakra pulse to signal Raido to retreat. Genma and himself would have to fight their way out.

 

They broke through the door with a hail of senbon, Kakashi staying low to avoid the missiles while Genma dodged and jumped the nearest person. Without waiting, Kakashi lunged forward, aiming a precise strike at the jugular of his enemy with his kunai and blood splattered all over Kakashi like a warm spring shower as the knife cut true.

 

It was one of many.

 

By the time they escaped, Kakashi's hold on the kunai was tight-knuckled and slippery and his clothes, especially his sleeves, were drenched. He knew it was either them or his team, and Kakashi felt too fiercely protective to falter now and have to bear bringing another body back home.

 

They ran, Raido joining them as they tried to shake off their pursuers. According to the headband on their foreheads, they were Iwa-nin , and Kakashi cursed them as they raced through the streets, hoping to reach the woods where they could shake off most, if not all of them.

 

“Kakashi, I can smell people ahead of us!” Pakkun called out in warning and Kakashi bit back a curse. This was quickly turning into a clusterfuck of proportions Kakashi hated to have to deal with. This was not a simple assassination mission. With this many people waiting for them, it was an ambush and one that had been well-planned in advance. They had been lured here under false pretense, maybe the lord had been corrupt, maybe not, but the town was crawling with Iwa-nin.

 

“Pakkun. Find Gai and tell him to get out of here and to meet up—” Kakashi hesitated, they couldn't meet up in the spot they had agreed on previously; it was too close and it would likely take longer to get rid of the people trailing them.

 

“—meet up in Tsurui.” Tsurui was another village, two towns over. Close, yet far enough away and with enough population to blend into the crowd.

 

“Alright. Don't die while I'm not watching your back, Kakashi.” Pakkun brushed past his legs in reassurance with a quiet jip of understanding, then scurried off and disappeared into the night, nose close to the ground.

 

“We stand a higher chance if we split up,” Raido quietly threw in as they huddled in the shadow of a building, seeing a ninja rush past their hiding spot.

 

Genma frowned and shook his head. “Splitting up means we would be on our own. It might be better to stick together and guard each other’s back.”

 

Kakashi contemplated the situation and sighed.

 

“Raido is correct. Even together, we don't stand a chance against all of these enemies. Splitting up would mean we could get at least one or two of us out to get reinforcements. And we will know who the target was. This has been planned all along.”

 

Genma looked unhappy, but nodded. Raido looked pained. Kakashi was simply resigned because out of all of them, Kakashi was the most likely candidate to be the target. He had history with Iwa and the Yondaime had been his teacher. That, and there was a considerable bounty on his head which certainly didn't help matters.

 

“Genma, you try to break out to the west. Raido, you take the east. I will head south.” South would be the longest path out of the village and probably the one with the highest risk of being detected. Genma and Raido were good, in some areas better than Kakashi, but if push came to shove Kakashi was a notch above them in his fighting ability. There was a higher chance he would make it out somehow, or if he was detected he might draw attention away from the others, giving them a better chance. Kakashi ignored the looks he got. Genma's stubborn frown and Raido's scowl told him that they wouldn't do as he said easily. He shot them a dark look that promised repercussions if they decided to argue with him any further. There simply wasn't any time for it, not with the enemy combing the streets looking for them.

 

“That's an order. Get going, now!” Kakashi watched them with narrowed eyes for a moment as his comrades obeyed and shunshin’d away, just to be sure they were actually following through with his command before turning and looking down the street.

 

He was not looking forward to this.

 

This mission sucked.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

  
  


While Kakashi had drawn a lot of attention – not entirely on purpose but he could work with it – he had still managed to break through the enemy lines and raced for the safety of the trees. That did not mean he lost his pursuers, but as a Konoha-nin, he had an advantage in the familiar terrain.

 

Iwa-nin, with their flat ground and rocks littering the landscape, never felt quite as confident or comfortable between the humongous trees that grew in Fire Country. Kakashi was at home in the canopy, however, and with his arrival in the forest, his chance of survival had also risen.

 

Heart pounding wildly, he jumped from branch to branch, not going in a straight line but still moving as quickly as possible. If he could waylay the enemy and stall them a little, he might give Genma and Raido a chance to get out of here too. The more enemies he managed to shake off while doing that, the better it was for him later on.

 

Sounds of distant fighting made him steer off his previously chosen path, though. Fighting meant one of his comrades had likely been engaged and while Kakashi had his own pursuers to worry about, he had managed to put enough distance between them that he could hopefully help his comrade out.

 

The closer he got, the more familiar the sounds were, spurring him on.

 

Gai's fighting style was loud, and the toppling trees were indication enough as to where his self-proclaimed rival was currently engaging the enemy.

 

Kakashi pushed his speed to his limits and broke through the foliage—

 

A green blur surrounded by enemies.

 

Weapons. So many weapons. Strewn across the ground, making it hazardous at best to navigate.

 

Weapons coated in blood.

 

A green suit with dark brown patches that were growing by the second.

 

Weapons heading for his best friend’s blind spot as he fought off several enemies on his own.

 

A hoarse shout, another blur. Time seemed to slow down as Kakashi's revealed sharingan made everything happen as if in slow motion. He watched as the body was pierced by multiple weapons, blood spraying wide—

 

A lifeless body fell to the ground.

 

The shout turned into a roar and Kakashi jumped forward, mind refusing to process but the need to act too strong for him to stay still.

 

Kakashi's vision greyed out. And then bled  **red** .

 

Kakashi retreated.

 

And  **Hound** stepped forward.

 

Without hesitation, he buried his kunai in the throat of the first person who crossed his path. It slid through the skin like paper, cut the bones as easily as butter, snapping the movement as if cutting the strings of a marionette. He didn't wait to watch the body fall, already turning as he saw movement from the side. His mind whirred as it recalled jutsus on the fly. Suiton created monsters that devoured the moving, swallowed them up and refused to let them go even as they struggled to breathe. The earth rumbled eagerly, parting as if the maw of hell itself opened up to clamp around the legs of the living, chewing them off and spilling the red life force. Air became the invisible assassin, clawing at their skin and down to the very marrow of their bones.

 

Screams echoed in the night. There was the smell and taste of copper, and Hound breathed it in, crooked his head to listen for anyone retreating.

 

Prey. Everything that moved was prey that needed to be eliminated by any means possible.

 

Hound listened, eyes searching the darkness in a moment of stillness, giving his prey a second of relief, before he melted into the darkness. He had their scents. Anyone in the area smelled of blood and Hound could follow that scent for miles and miles.

 

They didn't know it yet, but they were only flesh that was still walking, not knowing they were already dead.

 

A lifeless body hit the ground.

 

And another.

 

Another.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

The shirking passed them in a blur of light and hair-rising force as Raido tackled Genma out of the way of a chidori. Kakashi's arm buried itself up to the elbow in the tree that had been standing behind Genma, but he ripped it out carelessly, heedless of any injury inflicted on himself and turned around to attack again.

 

Raido's hand was pressed hard over Genma's mouth, keeping him from uttering a sound while his eyes were wide with the same fright that Genma was experiencing. He could feel his own, frantic heart beating wildly as he looked at Kakashi, but he couldn't recognize him anymore.

 

Vacant eyes were filled with a wild sort of ferocity, more animal than human. Kakashi's eyes flicked over the battlefield, passing over their frozen forms as they laid between the bodies of their enemies, trying to keep as still as possible and not draw Kakashi's attention again.

 

This, Genma thought a little hysterically, was  **_Hound_ ** let loose from his leash. And he was terrifying. Kakashi was hailed as one of the best shinobi, and had been one of the most successful ANBU. Genma had believed that, but with bodies littering the ground and the force of nature that bent to Kakashi's will as if it belonged to him, simply waiting for him to command it... he hadn't needed proof, but fuck, he never wanted to face Kakashi as an enemy. Especially not after pissing him off so much that he became  _ this _ .

 

They both stayed still and watched in apprehension as Kakashi melted back into the shadows with a skill that could only be surpassed by a Nara.

 

They stayed there for a long time, barely daring to breathe.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

Another fell.

 

And another.

 

Another.

 

Hound didn't stop until everything was quiet. Only when he was sure every living presence around him had been devoured, did he settle. His steps were heavy as he dragged them over the ground, muscles spasming from hours of overuse, chakra depleted from using so many techniques in quick succession. Hound stayed alert. He was sure someone had escaped, but he hadn't been able to find them. If they had enough brains, they would have left the area and skulked back to their kind. Hound growled in irritation, but quieted down as he stepped back to where he had started.

 

Rain had started to fall, as if nature was washing away the evidence of his fight. Hound didn't care,  _ couldn't _ , with the hole growing in his chest now that the fight was over. He didn't want to  _ feel _ .

 

Hesitantly, he stepped further into the clearing. A wounded sound came from his throat, denial warring with reality. But he had to  _ check _ . He had to be  _ sure _ .

 

Another step.

 

Another.

 

Stop.

 

For all that it was only three little steps, it had felt like an eternity. As if his strings had been snapped, Kakashi fell to his knees, mud splattering as he hit the ground hard.

 

Slightly ruffled, wet fur. A little blue overcoat with a silly henohenomoheji face, soaked red. A tiny body, limbs askew and still. A tiny bundle of sassy warmth that had been with him through  _ everything _ . One he had trusted with every single aspect of himself, confiding in the little pug his deepest secrets and longings and regrets.

 

Trembling fingers reached out and picked the limp body up, drawing it close to his chest, cradling it like it was made of the most precious, delicate glass.

 

Pakkun.

 

Kakashi hadn't thought he had much to lose anymore.

 

Hadn't thought that anything could ever hurt him as much as when he was eight years old and entered his home and smelled  _ bloodirondeath _ . It had been raining that day, too, as if the heavens cried the tears Kakashi had always been unable to let fall. As if nature itself wanted to wash away the cruel proof of loss, to spare Kakashi of taking it in with his hypersensitive senses.

 

“I'm sorry...” Kakashi whispered, hiding his face in the wet fur. Pakkun still smelled like  _ dogcherryblossomwater _ , but Kakashi could already detect the choking scent of  _ coldlifelessdeath _ starting to cling to his best friend. His family, his pack, who had sacrificed himself to save another of Kakashi's precious persons.

 

A little part of him despised Gai for being the reason Pakkun had jumped in front of the weapons meant for him. A greater part knew Pakkun had only done so because Gai was his greatest pillar of support, willing to fight for Kakashi, beside him and with him. Kakashi was sure Gai's death would have hurt him just as much, but...

 

… It was Pakkun.

 

The rustling of leaves made Kakashi tense and he prepared for another attack. Just on the edge of the clearing someone moved, and if Kakashi hadn’t been holding his—

 

If Kakashi’s hands were free he would have attacked immediately. Instead, he watched Gai wearily as he carefully edged into the clearing. His mournful gaze met Kakashi’s own, some clarity returning to the ex-ANBU’s thoughts and with it the crushing realization. 

 

Pakkun… was dead.

 

( ˃̣̣̥᷄_\ \\)

 

Kakashi was intimately aware of the stages of grief. Denial and anger had passed. He remembered in crystal clarity what he had done in that clearing, how he had hunted down the enemy like cattle to be brought to slaughter. Even now, their deaths were only a number to him, disconnected from any feeling of satisfaction or regret. It had been... a distraction at best, something that made him think of anything other than the lifeless bodies of his friends. Shock, doctors would call it.

 

Kakashi thought that maybe, this is who he truly was without any outside influence. A devoid, black hole that brought only grief and despair.

 

Anger had come after. Unbearable. Angry at himself, angry at the situation, angry at Gai, angry at the enemy.

 

Then came the doubts.

 

If only he hadn't sent Pakkun out alone.

 

If only he had planned ahead better.

 

If only he had made a different rendezvous point.

 

If, if, if. So many possibilities and Kakashi had obsessed over each and every single one of them, trying to find a path that wouldn't have led to this despite knowing that it wouldn't change what already happened.

 

He felt guilty. Even little things, like withholding treats from Pakkun, not calling him often enough for mundane things or simply taking the time to stroke the soft paws of the pug more often, came to Kakashi's mind. Regret and guilt ate at him, gnawed and gnawed until it settled deep in his bones, making it so hard to get up in the morning and face the day ahead. If not for Gai, Kakashi might not have bothered at all.

 

Depression, his mind whispered. The fourth stage of grief.

 

The last one...

 

Well, Kakashi knew it existed, but he had never been good at letting go, or accepting death in a way that was healthy.

 

Instead, he replaced it with the memorial. Hours spent staring at a stone, talking to ghosts and while it might not be the healthiest coping mechanism... it was better than forgetting, and Kakashi took comfort in their memories.

 

And if he spend too long with the dead, Gai's hand settled heavily on his shoulder, gently drawing him back to the living...

 

**Author's Note:**

> Whew. KakashiWeek2018 got to me so I'm trying to do some of the promps, but I only knew about that event a few days before it started. Kill me now because the one for tomorrow isn't even finished yet.
> 
> A big thank you to [Kaleid369](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaleid369/pseuds/Kaleid369) for being a wonderful person who betaed this in record time!!!


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